Why Reward and Punishment Parenting Backfires: A Long-Term Perspective

As a family therapist working with young children, one of the most common concerns that parents come to me with is how they can stop, change, or enforce a certain behavior. E.g. how do I stop my child from hitting, how do I get them to listen to me, how do I get them to go to bed on time, etc. Parents have usually tried everything and they will do almost anything to see something change. The day-to-day feels too fast-paced to stop and reflect on longer-term solutions. It is in this very understandable state of frustration and stress that they, and all of us, often resort to the quickest solution: if you don’t go do x, you don’t get y. Anything to stop the distress.

This is where rewards and punishments parenting can often feel like the only way to get through the day.

Surprisingly, it is sometimes the case that parents have gotten to this impasse by implementing rewards and punishments in the first place, and now it is backfiring. Their children may say things like, “I’ll go to school if I can play video games this afternoon” or “I’ll go to bed if I can sleep in your bed”. Thus begins an endless string of negotiations where parents feel like they are in a hostage situation.

This is because when behavioral strategies DO work, they often work by manipulation. The lesson often is “I’ll let you manipulate me if you let me manipulate you”. As one insightful parent told me once, “manipulation is a shortcut”. It may work in the short term, but pretty soon you’ll find your kids using it more masterfully than you in order to get what they want in a battle of wills. Another aspect of behavioral strategies is that it can delegitimize the child’s emotional experience.

One approach to challenging behavior that keeps in mind the emotional experience of the child and also empowers them is an approach that Garry Landreth, the founder of child centered play therapy, calls ACT:

A: Acknowledge the feeling

C: Communicate the Limit

T: Target Alternatives

Let’s take the example of a child not wanting to go to school to walk through each of these steps.

A: Acknowledge the feeling

You may have to do a little digging to find out the WHY your child doesn’t want to go to school in order to acknolwedge the feeling, but starting with empathy is a good general philosophy. “I wonder why you don’t want to go to school? Maybe because you wish you could stay home with mom or dad and you’ll miss us?” Empathizing and letting them know you understand their experience is taking a step toward them so that you can eventually problem-solve together. It makes it clear that you’re in their court. It may be the case that underneath their rebellion is a vulnerability or a real fear that simply needs to be held for a moment. If they share, give verbal and nonverbal cues that you understand their feelings.

C: Communicate the Limit

Of course, you know they need to go to school. Gently remind them of the importance of going to school and how it is important to go every day. Sometime putting this in terms of “jobs” can be helpful. It is your job as their parent to go to work on time so you can take care of them, and it is their job to go to school on time to learn and grow up.

T: Target Alternatives

Once it is clear what the limit is and you both have checked in emotionally, it will hopefully be easier for them (and you) to problem-solve and think of ways to help. “I know it’s tough to be away from us. Let’s think of something we could do this weekend together? Could we go to the park?” If they need the extra emotional support in the moment, maybe they would like to take a stuffy to school to think of you while you’re away, when they miss you they can give it a big squeeze until they get home to see you. The important piece is that you help them through the difficult emotion without denying it or rewarding/punishing it away. This teaches them that, as Mister Rogers says, that emotions are mentionable and manageable.

If you want to learn more about Garry Landreth’s parenting approach, you can watch his general overview in this video.